My Pain

Generally, I am a very positive, active person. I have big dreams and the goals to match. You will often find me involved in exciting situations and deals reserved for the most successful in any society.

But for some reason, which I can't understand, my heart really hurts. Many times physically, but quite often it is just searching.

I took a course about ten years ago which changed my life. I had been fighting with my father for many years, since I was a teenager. In this course I realized that when I was two and a half years old my younger brother was born. Because he was the baby, he got all the attention and I, at the age of two, came to the conclusion that nobody loved me.

I hung on to that conclusion throughout my life. All my dealings with people were based on that decision. I had no friends, I didn't get along with my brothers or parents. I belonged nowhere and had nobody (in my mind).

When I realized that my life was based on the conclusions of a two year old child, I decided to do a review of my life. I realized that all my life I had been surrounded by an ocean of love. I had good, caring friends and the most loving parents anyone could have. I was stunned. As soon as I could, I called up my father and apologized for being a jerk all my life. I told him "you didn't have a chance" because I had already made up my mind that no one loved me, especially him(how stupid of me!).

Since then I have made friends with my father and life has improved 1000%.

But I am still so sad at this time. I don't know what to do.

I do many spiritual things that give me happiness and satisfaction beyond description. I am constantly in touch with an ocean of love deep inside me. The experience is transcendental. When I am in touch with that "zone" life is good. However, sometimes I guess I lose the connection and it really hurts. I wonder how other people survive? How do they go through life without the incredible happiness of the "zone"? I can't stand it when I lose touch for short periods of time.

For anyone reading this, don't worry. The zone is likely to kick in anytime now. I am just in an unusually deep state of personal pain. I'm sure it will pass. It always does. As I continue my practices I have noticed that the good feelings last longer and longer. The bad feelings pass much more quickly. I feel privileged to have this knowledge. Eventually it is supposed to become permanent. I am looking forward to being in the happiness zone all the time, but I wish it would hurry up! I don't like being in the pain I am in.

Expressing feelings like this is highly unusual for me. I hope no one I know reads this.